Do you ever feel like somehow, despite all your efforts, you miscommunicate with someone you care about? You can’t seem to get it right? And there’s a growing sense of dis-ease, that somehow you don’t know how to fix?
I’m there right now. With several people I love and care about.
On the home front, my husband and I are both insanely busy right now, and seem to be sniping rather than talking, because we are both peddling as fast as we can in our work lives, but are not taking enough time to enjoy the scenery. We want the bike to slow down, but the brakes are broken. I can fix some of it on my part, he has no idea how to fix stuff on his end, and neither do I. In some ways, we are just riding out the storm, and hoping it blows over, sooner than later. And I am sure it will, but we can’t see the end of the road in the very near future. So it leaves us both a little frustrated. We understand the problem, we understand each other’s need to do what we’re doing, but it doesn’t make it feel any better right now.
With another close friend, we are having ongoing discussions that involve control issues. I am a control junkie. I admit it. And I come from a place where you need to be responsible, thoughtful, and use as much foresight as possible, before things spin out of control. My friend is a little more seat of the pants by nature, and thinks my structure and control is unnecessary or becomes a wet blanket, bringing a situation down. I am frustrated, because I feel misunderstood. I feel caught in a passive-aggressive position where I just want to scream and say “You can’t have it both ways. If you want things done YOUR way, you need to gain control. If you are happy with any old way things are done, then quit the sniping about things not being done to your standards.” You either need to exercise control, or let go. There is no middle option.
I know I am currently in what feels like several situations beyond my control. Things moving faster than I’d like. Not enough hours in the day. Wanting to make sure everyone is doing well, is happy, and content, but knowing I can’t control how other people see things, or how they feel. We all have to be responsible for our own emotions and reactions to things.
Change is not easy, and change happening at warp speed is even harder. I will continue treading water and hoping for that rope to be thrown my way, but I also have to remember to ask for the rope when I need it as well. I can’t expect other people to know I want it or need it, and have to stop whining in general. but some days a good whine just feels cathartic, even if it’s counter-productive.