Repairing Relationships

Yesterday, I spoke at the Social Media Plus conference, and finally got to meet the great Jason Falls.  In Jason’s presentation, he spoke about how sometimes, a relationship with a customer gets damaged, and there may be no going back.  Sometimes, there’s nothing you can do to make someone else happy.  But if that person is noisy, how do we make them at least pacified and less of a thorn in your side?  How can you declare a truce or at least an end to open hostilities?

A friend of mine had an issue with a local coffee shop, that I happen to love.  There was an issue with credit card numbers being harvested, most likely by an employee, and this caused a headache both for the customers and the business.  My friend now has a vendetta against the shop, because she felt they did not act fast enough, or seem to take it seriously enough from her perspective.  From an outsider’s perspective, I see the notice in the shop about the incident and why they no longer accept credit cards.  I’ve always paid in cash, so I am largely unaffected, and feel like the business has done what it could to make the situation better, and solve the problem.  Yet, when I check in on Foursquare at the location, I receive a warning text from my friend not to trust this business.

I get that my friend is irate and sees this as an opportunity to both protect others and send a message to the business that they should treat their customers better.  But I wonder when this bad experience becomes slander.  When is it a vendetta?  What can the business do to show my friend that they made a mistake?  That they get it now?  That they have done what they can, and need to move on?  When will my friend decide that they have done enough electronic mayhem and decide that it’s okay to let go now?  (Side note- What’s the difference between a pit bull and a REALLY pissed off customer?  A pit bull will eventually let go.)

In social media, we openly acknowledge and encourage everyone we know to use the platforms out there to talk, both good and bad, about the experiences you have.  We tell businesses to listen to their customers and respond, because a quick response to bad stuff is primarily good customer service, and secondly, tends to minimize the “I hate (insert business name here) and will do everything at my disposal to let the world know- and aren’t you unlucky that I know how to make this part of your digital footprint???”

From my own perspective, I make every effort to resolve any issues I have locally first.  Then, if it’s a chain or franchise, I may escalate up the ladder.  If I am not getting satisfaction, I may take it to my blog or twitter to see if I get a response.  But mostly, since I know the ‘net is a powerful tool, I save it as the last ditch response to problems, rather than the first.  I try to be someone who is all about building good relationships, especially since you never know if you’re going to need that bridge you’re about to burn later on.  I basically always want to solve the problem, forgive and move on, because frankly, anger takes too much of my time and energy, and does more harm to me than good.

The plain truth is that we’re never going to be perfect.  We’re going to make mistakes.  Acknowledging them early, and doing what you can to solve the problem and save the relationship is optimal, but sometimes, it’s just too far gone to repair.  Asking what you can do to make it better or help make amends goes a long way to dampening down the fire in the belly that happens when people are mad or disappointed, but sometimes, nothing will work and the relationship, like with that old boyfriend or girlfriend, is simply over.  If you can both part and go on about your business- that’s the best for both parties.  Turning someone into Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and creating a stalker, set on doing you harm, is far from optimal.  But the more you can do to help that person let go and move on, the better off everyone will be in long run.  Preserve everyone’s dignity.  Acknowledge mistakes.  Acknowledge their feelings, and that there’s little you can do to make it up to them in a way that will be satisfying.  And agree to move on, as best as possible.

The metrics we use to repair relationships with friends, family members and coworkers work the same way with business relationships.  Treat everyone- your customers, your business partners, your suppliers, your bosses- everyone- with respect, and the likelihood and frequency of the irreparable relationship will go down.  And that’s for everyone’s benefit in the long run.

Tags: Jason Falls, repairing relationship, social media plus, trust

Why Trust is the Killer App

I’ve been listening to NPR in the morning, following the news about international politics, and these points keep being made over and over:

• In (international) relationships, trust is important and vital to getting anything done.
• The kind of reception leaders get make all the difference in what they are willing to do or not do for the other Country.
• The view of the relationship from the outside- the (media) perception- does not always reflect what’s going on behind closed doors.
• What other people see, through the media or with their own eyes effects their perception of a whole Country and their citizens.

Does any of this sound familiar?  (Let me take a moment now and tell you if this “trust” thing doesn’t resonate with you, please go out an purchase “Trust Agents” by my friends, Chris Brogan and Julien Smith immediately.)

The talk about trust, building strong relationships, and what happens when that trust equation fails is a thread that seems to be running through more and more news reports, or I’m finally paying attention and have a new filter through which to view this news.  So if you thought Chris and Julien’s book about the importance of trust and relationships was important for business, what could the same perspective do for relationships not only between individuals, but between nations?

Before you write this off as silly, think what the lack of trust does.  When a Country doesn’t follow through on it’s promises, relationships suffer.  When Israel and the Palestinians seem to go out of their way to provoke each other, it starts to sound like the fourth grade boys teasing each other on the playground, begging for a fight.  Unfortunately, this fight involves serious weapons and the loss of life, not a bloody nose and being sent to the principal’s office.  (I guess the US gets to play Principal in trying to get these kids to place nicely with each other and respect each other’s boundaries, but we call it Peace Talks and unfortunately, you can’t call their parents at home to make them behave.)

And just like in your relationships with friends and family, helping others goes a long way to building trust and constructive relationships.  In a news report this morning on the BBC, a reporter spoke to a Pakistani official who said that when the people saw Americans and American helicopters coming to help them after the devastating earthquake, moving concrete and rescuing people, their perception of the US and Americans in general started to change.  Treating people in other countries like neighbors, instead of as “the other”, as “foreign”, but instead as just people goes a long way to changing hearts and minds about what an “American” is or stands for.

The coverage of international politics sounds more and more like a middle school playground, or a daytime soap opera, where trust and drama and small provocations have similar effects as they do on an actual playground, just painted with a much broader brush.  And just like on the playground, trust is a currency that facilitates relationships, and a lack of trust makes relationships way more complicated.

Trust, I tell my kids, is the one thing that can’t be easily fixed or replaced when it’s broken.  It’s fragile.  When you have it, it can create value- people will do you favors, cut you deals, and treat you well, whether we’re talking neighbors, businesses, or Countries.  When trust is in short supply, people start acting suspiciously.  They look out for themselves first, and others second.  There’s less emphasis on what’s mutually beneficial, but on a competitive advantage- winning rather than compromise.  The dynamics of the relationship totally change, and friction builds up- there’s more checkpoints, more regulation, more checking the score- and all of this friction slows up the process of actually getting things done.

As I look for fundamental concepts that are universally important at every level of human interaction, Trust ranks up there as one of the most important fundamentals we need in order to make progress of any sort.  A lack of trust signals problems that are hard to resolve, since trust requires faith and taking risks that others are worthy of that investment.  Fear that others will not follow through, that they will lie and break our fundamental trust keeps us frozen in time and place, and keeps us from acting.

Rick LaVoie talks about disappointment as being one of the most powerful emotions- the emotional nuclear weapon, we should use only rarely, if ever, with people in our lives.  It makes us feel shame and injures us to the core.  Our fear that trust will be broken is our defense against that disappointment, and the anticipation of disappointment, of having invested trust unwisely causes people to do irrational things, even aggressive, provocative things to strike first and to avoid getting hurt.

If we can remember these things for our personal relationships, if we can apply Chris and Julien’s advice in our business relationships, there’s a chance we can even make things better on a bigger scale as well.

What do you think?  Is this crazy? Or is trust the fundamental currency we all trade in, even when we think it’s all about dollars and cents?

Tags: apps, business, chris brogan, foreign relations, Israel, julien smith, NPR, Pakistan, relationships, trust, trust agents

Reputation

Reputation is a tricky thing.  Ben Franklin said, ““It takes many good deeds to build a good reputation, and only one bad one to lose it”.  It’s at once your most valuable possession, but one of the most fragile as well.

Online, we all build a digital footprint that now encompasses more and more of what was once private.  I regularly see tweets and Facebook updates in my Google alerts- everything is being indexed and it makes you accountable for everything you say or do, on or off the record.  This means your reputation includes not only your business persona, but your personal life, your hobbies, everything.  And if you choose to put it online, you will be accountable for it.

Now, before I have a meeting or call with someone I don’t know, I spend a few minutes checking them out online- I read their blog, look for pictures online, and maybe even text a mutual friend to see what I might expect.  I assume others do the same about me.  I do this, no to act like a private investigator, but because it lets me get to know someone a bit before we meet.  It’s like doing homework- it tells me something about what to expect, and usually, people are flattered I’ve made an effort beforehand.  It could turn out I have been “judging a book by its cover”but based on the information available online, you get a pretty good sampling of the text between the covers as well.

All this information means there’s no hiding anymore- it’s very hard to be anonymous.  I have to teach my kids about their digital footprint early, and help them understand how the little stuff may be cute, but may come back to haunt them later on.

A few months ago, I spoke to a local group about social media and the job search.  Many people were really worried about what was online, and that they had no privacy.  But the information can cut both ways- someone might not like your political affiliation, but may decide because you share a hobby, you’re okay after all.  The information is all just additional datapoints in figuring out who you are- but you have to decide who that is, and what you make available to the outside world.

This means I save rant-like blog posts for a day before I post them, or ask friends to read it beforehand- letting time take its course and let things cool off.  In the light of day, sometimes you realize that the anger or annoyance was perhaps a little over the top, and maybe that was something you should save for a journal, not a blog.   While we all want to get information out there as soon as possible, patience is also a virtue for a reason.

All of this is to say that if you want to be known as someone who is  (insert qualities you most admire or aspire to here), you need to cultivate that reputation by being that person in all aspects of your life.  Yeah, we all have our dark and moody side, and that’s part of the whole package, but remember, you’re accountable for the good and the bad- the whole thing, not just the pretty parts.

Tags: community, reputation, trust, web

Best Use of Marketing Information EVER

I just got an automated phone call from my grocery store.  Wegman’s has long been in our family- it was the best grocery in Rochester, NY where I grew up.  There’s one in Downingtown, PA now, and while it’s about a 30-40 minute drive to get there, I go and stock up on favorite items about once a month.

Wegman’s like many grocery stores, has a shopper’s club.  They give you discounts, coupons, etc. like all programs.  But I just got a phone call from Wegman’s informing me that their records showed I had purchased two products that are being recalled because of the pistachio nut/salmonella scare.  They gave me the product name, identification dates- everything I need to see if the item is still in the pantry, and the ability to return it for a full refund.

So for all that demographic information Wegman’s is collecting about my shopping habits, they are also using this data to help long after the sale has occurred- in this case, in the event of a recall.

(I’d actually like to see my trends at shopping there compared to other stores myself, since I don’t log this information anywhere- might be interesting- but that’s another story all together.)

Talk about great PR, great use of information, and great building of a relationship and trust with customers.  Not only do we care about you in getting your business, we’ll contact you if there’s anything that might cause a problem after the sale is made as well.

I already love Wegman’s, but this has made me even more of a raving fan.  Does any other business care so much about you before and after the sale?  Is anyone else doing this kind of work?

Thank you, Danny Wegman and the whole team, for caring about family, for taking this step to keep us all healthy, and for making sure you will always be my store of choice.

Tags: marketing, pistachios, public health, shoppers club, trust, wegmans

Online Business Relationships

“Business Relationships” used to sound like an oxymoron- there was business, and then there were relationships, friendships, you had outside of the business or work world.  Companies classically (and probably still do in many places) discourage workplace romantic relationships, as possibly undermining productivity and morale.  Let’s face it- when you get all “mushy and emotional” in business, your steely eyed judgment and practical decision-making can get clouded.  This leads to the whole premise of Dan Ariely’s book,  Predictably Irrational- the fact that we don;t always make the right decision, but frequently the wrong one, based on our emotional appartus swaying our judgement away from the facts.

But now, business relationships have become the currency of the day.  We want to get back to the time where we dealt with people, not just machines.  We want to know people, have a face and a feeling about a business or brand.  The cold, hard, calculated monolith of business is being infiltrated by the social scientists, who are convincing us that it’s okay to have both business and emotions in the same place and still succeed.

The problem with this over the old Ayn Rand/Mr. Spock way of operating business is that injured feelings heal much more slowly than injured bank accounts.

As a lawyer, I’ve see this all the time.  People get themselves into difficult circumstances because they’ve done things for emotional reasons without weighing all the practical ones as well.  Here are a few examples:

- Divorce is all about rash decisions, either from marrying someone who doesn’t really suit you or share your dreams for the future, or because you decided to go off and deal with your on priorities without a careful balance of what the impact might be on your spouse.

-Trusts & Estates- there’s an old saying- where there’s a will, there’s a relative.  It basically means that people get crazy when someone dies and people have to settle up their affairs.  More and bitter fights have divided families over a deceased loved one’s money and accumulated objects than divorce, I would be willing to bet.

-Family Business- here’s another loaded topic.  Dad has a business, he thinks he is preparing for his son to take over.  Son has no interest whatsoever, and wants to make his own way in the world.  Dad sells business, and son is bitter that his safety net/back-up plan is no longer there for him.  Or Dad gives business to one child and not the other…. you can imagine the discord from here.

And this doesn’t even get into the problems and hurt feelings that ensue when friends go into business together.

Whenever I approach a business relationship with friends, I always want to have the business particulars drawn out in writing.  This tends to seem really formal and silly at the time, but without “ground rules”, people quickly get in over their head.  Even when you have ground rules, the relationships aren’t always perfect, and it’s hard to keep the business and personal from creating toxicity if things go bad.

I was recently involved in a business relationships with good friends whom I trusted completely.  I trusted that because we were friends, they would obviously deal with me in an upfront manner.  I trusted that they would do everything they agreed to do pursuant to our contract.  I also thought they would value the relationship highly, since we were friends as well as colleagues.  I executed everything on my end to the letter, but the same hasn’t always been true on their side of the arrangement.  And what’s worse, the communication has been dreadful.  Despite many attempts to chat with them about it, they haven’t responded promptly, if at all.

The crux of the matter is this:  Because the trust implicit in our personal relationship bled over into the business relationship, I expected them to act more like friends and less like a corporate monolith.  Our business relationship took on corporate monolith -like failure to communicate overtones, which has damaged the trust I had in them both as business partners and as friends.  After all, if you don’t have any information to go on, you start to make stuff up and fill in the blanks yourself.  You might start out with excuses, but excuses quickly wear thin and all that is left is a feeling that they don’t care and you feel you are being treated with contempt, whether that was the intent from their side or not.

Taking a broader scope, this kind of story happens all the time online.  We think we have established a trust and friendship with people we do business with.  The conversation we can have on twitter, social networks, and even by email creates a sense of closeness and expectation that isn’t entirely reality based.  Because these are not people in your immediate daily social circle, there’s no sense of enduring personal obligation like there is with your neighbors or your child’s teacher.  We move ahead in business, thinking we have this incredible bond and relationship, based on how we feel, but in the end, business is business.  When someone disappoints us in an online relationship, the trust evaporates even more quickly than when your neighbor forgets to pick up your mail as promised.  You still have to live with that neighbor- the guy online is more distant, so your ability to rationalize and contextualize your relationship is significantly reduced.

This leads to trust being a very volitile currency on the web.  It can work extremely well, but it needs significant care and feeding to remain healthy.  It’s fragile, and can easily be damaged and lost.  And with the infinite choices available, people will easily find someone else to do business with.  But because the voices of dissent and distrust can always be heard, blog posts, comments and the like about bad relationships will haunt you through the power of Google and the Internet Way Back machine for years.

This means if you are going to play in social networks and social media, the one thing you can never take for granted is how you are building your trust and your relationships, and the ability to maintain those relationships is another currency you need to manage as wisely as the one in your bank account.

What do you think?  Is this true?  How do you build your trust relationship online?

Tags: business, currency, Dan Airely, dan ariely, new media, predictably irrational, trust